quarter century

Phases of joy & denial. 25 years.  Society advertises youth, sex, fun, short term satisfaction and pleasure. I tell myself God planned my life before I was born. I am exactly the age I should be. All my accomplishments would not be possible were I only 20. I would not be the person I've become if I were still 21. Life experiences have shaped me to be whom I am and will continue to do so throughout my life.

When in high school, 25 seemed to loom far ahead in the distance.  Well, here it is.  My heart is brimming excitement to see what God has in store over the next quarter century. Hopefully it includes much laughter, new friends, more marathons, ball parks, visiting other countries/backpacking, biking coast to coast, getting married, and having & raising children. Regardless of what He has planned, I will continue to follow Jesus above all else with all of my heart. Here's to the next twenty five years.

- run for life

wow

I got to LAX at 6PM PST.  Didn't get out of the airport until 1:30PM EST in Louisville, KY.  My bag was emptied during a search and I thought, 'good thing I put my underwear into my check-in bag' (the first time I've checked in a bag since we went to China when I was 8).  When we boarded the Boeing 757 in SF and pulled out, it smelled like gasoline.  They said a valve was leaking and they were trying to fix it.  I fell asleep, an hour and a half later they made us all get off and board another plane.  It was almost 2AM PST before we left SF.  That delay caused me to miss my connecting flight from Chicago to Louisville.  Good thing I took the complementary pillow and blanket with me when I left the plane.  I fell asleep on the chairs at the gate.  A lady on the plane from SFO to Chicago gave me a piece of sourdough bread and a Kudos bar because I hadn't eaten since Anita's graduation lunch by 1AM PST.  I just ate a Kashi bar I found in the side pocket of my bag, it's 2:35PM EST.  I can't check into my room until 3PM.  I went to baggage claim to get my bag.  It wasn't there.  The lady at the desk thought it was still at LAX.  I thought, 'maybe it wasn't such a good thing I put my underwear into my check-in bag.'

- run for life

words

I can’t win. My attitude is poor to say the least. I’m selfish. I’m stupid. I’m fat. I’ve gained too much weight. My grades aren’t good enough. I’m a bum. I don’t have a job. I don’t think about my family or anyone else. Nothing is good enough. Everything is wrong.

It’s hard to remember the truth when all you hear is lies.

I wonder if people realize how much their words affect others.

- just keep running.

turmoil

Inner turmoil, heart pounding, conflicting thoughts running through my mind. 100 degree weather outside and warmer temperatures expected tomorrow muddle my mind. Perhaps I think too highly of myself and my influence on others. Friends falling, tumbling down the wrong path, stumbling, unable to stand on their own. Jail, drugs, alcohol, and sex are king. Why do I think I can help them? Why do I care so much? The answers to these questions I know. What I don't know is how this plays into my future and God's will.

What are all these overwhelming emotions? Home with the glorious waters and cool breeze. Hanging out with my friends, attempting to represent You. I do it faultily, broken and alone. Who knows if anything will come of it? I fit in... but do I? I try to live differently. Can they see it? Do they care? What is Your plan? Was I too hasty? Questions and feelings in direct opposition to one another choke my heart and mind. I need clarity, I need Your vision, I need guidance and direction. I need a Savior. I need You.

- run for life friends.

brevity

I went to visit Kim today. It was unreal. I stood there with a rose, a coconut monkey bank from Hawai'i [the last place I saw her], and a paper crane. Everything became blurry, the bright green blended with the pink, white, and gray. My friend placed the flowers he bought at the head of the stone with the others. Salty drops ran down my checks. The tombstone was new, her picture just put on in the past month. A little over 6 months ago, she was still here. I called her for her birthday on the 3rd; I'm so glad I called the day before. We should be hanging out right now, instead I am visiting her grave. I am reminded to live for today, to live for now rather than tomorrow or the future. I know that God has plans for all of us, but we need to enjoy the times we do have and make the most of all the opportunities that He has given us.  We're only on this world for a brief period of time, then we will pass on to heaven to be with our Creator and Savior.  There are so many people to reach out to, so many people to tell about Jesus, it feels like there isn't enough time.  I pray that God will use me and that I will allow myself to be available for His works.  I pray that my life will have an impact on those around me and that I will "preach the gospel at all times, and if necessary use words" [St. Francis of Assisi]. 

- run for life friends

ramblings/brief update

I wonder sometimes if I trust too much. Con: I end up getting burned a lot because I expect that people will keep their word. Pro: I have never been much of a worry wart. People are always amazed when I mention things I've done or what I am planning to do. I tend to think the best about people. I believe there is good in everyone. I befriend anyone who wants to be my friend and I always stick by my friends. I would say that I can go anywhere and get along fine - part of that is knowing where I can and can't go at certain times of the day or what to wear and how to act while I am there.

I was sorting through free t-shirts and old clothes, deciding what to donate and what to keep. I took pictures of all the fronts and backs of the shirts. I thought it was funny that I could follow my life through free t-shirts from all of the events I've done, volunteered at, schools I've gone to, and races I've run. If anyone who knew me saw the bag of stuff I was donating, they would know right away that they were my old clothes. I put tons of old Cal Poly, San Leandro High, gymnastics, running, sports, and other random shirts into the large garbage bags we will take to the Salvation Army/Goodwill.

I've been home for about a week, mostly hanging out with my half-brother's family - going to the Oakland Zoo, SF, and other places you can only go to in the bay. They flew out of SFO yesterday, so I will have more time now. I went to a few A's games with friends and have more planned. I love California. The weather is perfect for running, it's not too hot, nor too cold. There are hills for me to run and places for me to bike and cross train. Catching up with friends from high school and college has been wonderful. So much has happened since then in all of our lives. Seeing my cousins' children again reminds me that time flies, especially since the last time I saw them, they were babies and couldn't even hold their heads up themselves. Now they are talking and coming up with their own ideas. As great as it is to hang out with family and friends, I have only hung out with one friend who is a Christian. It's difficult to maintain a clear focus without support from others.

Right now I am nearing the quarter of a century mark. As I look around me, it seems like some people have given up big goals or dreams in exchange for the daily grind. I sometimes feel like I've fallen into that pattern myself as I go to school day after day or create my own routine. Luckily God's plan doesn't seem to have me in a rut. When I focus on Him and His sacrifice, I am astounded at everything around me. The calming waters of the lake or the ocean, the beauty of the plants and leaves dangling from branches shading the ground, smiles on people's faces as I pass them on my runs saying 'good morning' or an encouraging word or two to them. I am so thankful for what I have been given and that He is in control of my life. I do wonder what is in store for me, especially because I need a job to support myself, but I know that whatever it is, it's better than I could have ever imagined.

Now to bike to Alameda with one of my best friends. Tucker's here I come! Oh how I have missed thee. [Tucker's is an ice cream parlor in Alameda around the corner from the gym where I did gymnastics. When we won meets our coach would buy our whole team ice cream.]

-run for life friends