crushing

Crashing waves, deep, crystal blue stretching past the horizon. That's what my heart longs for. The familiar crests of the water and squishy sand between my toes. Comfort found in knowledge that my Creator has made the oceans and heaves to reveal His glory. God has a plan. Finances are so burdensome, praying for a job and utmost frugality. Everything worldly about me, even my physical body longs for home and the crisp, cool fresh air. My human instincts are screaming to run west.

Something stronger than myself is pulling me back. Allergies rule my lungs and my throat. Sharp pain emits from my lung and heart region every time I laugh or breathe deeply.  The only way to describe the pain would be 'a knife stabbing through my left lung into my heart and every time I laugh or breathe deeply it feels as though someone is twisting it; or someone is constantly crushing my upper rib cage to inhibit me from breathing.'  It hurts to speak. It's painful to sing. My heart sinks. The lies that tell me I'm alone are louder than ever.  Reminded that the plethora of people who call themselves friends does nothing when you really need someone by your side.  I pray that I can continue to be a good friend to everyone regardless of how I am treated.  I know that You will never leave me nor forsake me.  I know that I am not truly alone because You are always with me.  Why do I feel this way?

Keep praying and keep trying.  Maybe one day I'll actually fit somewhere.  Maybe I'm supposed to go home.  Where is home?  Maybe I'm not supposed to fit in.  I've never been a part of this world... so why start now?  

Just keep running... one step at a time.  I will praise You all the days of my life.  Even when I don't understand what is going on around me.  When I don't feel well, I will praise You.  Feelings are fleeting, but my heart knows what is true deep inside.  I need to memorize more scripture to fight all of the lies Satan tells me so I can stab them and kill them with my sword...

-run for life