so what?

The day after I returned from crowded and bustling New York City, I went on a retreat with some women from KingsWay to Smith Mountain Lake State Park (Virginia). I love the purply-pink trees that added so much color to the mainly green and brown back drop. The rolling hills didn't do it for me and I was having a hard time with my stomach while I was there. Once I hit the water's edge, even though I still felt sick (I think it was from drinking the tap water), I laid it out straight up. I conversed with God through my guitar - basically crying out to Him.

I am tired: physically my body hurts from pollens and allergies attacking my system. My eyes hurt, my stomach hurts; I want to breathe without problems and swallow without pain. Emotionally I am drained. Torn between two states, two sides of a nation, two lives, and two choices that could potentially be beneficial to myself and bless others around me. I miss home, my sister, my family, my friends, the Pacific, and everything familiar that I grew up with. Mentally I am exhausted from all the long nights of projects, homework, assignments, seminars, papers, other dietetic internship details, and from thinking about the pros & cons of California & Virginia. Spiritually I am weary, I pray the same prayers every hour and every day for myself [for God to be the center of my life, for Him to guide me, etc]; though my prayers for others and the world change as necessary.

I am in an in between stage. The curtain is closing on one set, but the crew doesn't know what to change the back drop to. I sat there by the water on a bench. My calluses were wearing off due to time constraints from so many internship things to do, but I played. My throat hurt, but I sang. It may have been one of the most heart felt sets I've played in a long time. Every song I sang I meant.

When it was time to go - I hadn't done much, the world would say I accomplished very little from sitting by the water singing. God was present. I stood up. I have no job, negative money, and no concrete plans for the immediate future. I felt like God was telling me - 'So what? Why are you worrying about worldly things? Follow me.' I realized that God would provide a job for me that I could glorify Him through. He had a great plan and it would all fall into place in His timing. It's easy to say, but difficult to believe.

Oddly, I believe it. I don't have a plan other than following God where ever He leads me. Even more bizarre is that I feel at peace with knowing nothing. Despite every ailment and fatigue I feel physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually mentioned or unmentioned, I know that God is in control of my life and that gives me hope. It seems impossible to those who don't know how great God is. With God, everything is possible.

The world laughs at people like me. I laugh too - for a different reason. I know that God's plan is best for me. I know He will provide. I know He's got my back. I know that if He wants me to stay, He will provide me with the financial means. If He wants me to go home, He will let me know. The peace that over flows my heart is precious. I want to experience it for eternity and bask in it forever. It is well with my soul.

- run for life friends.