Sunday, October 14, 2007

honor thy mother and father

Everytime I get off the phone with mom or dad I want to cry. This time I was just sad, usually I try to reason or argue with them. I wrote my dad a response to his e-mail and let him know about the accident with the police officer. He called and started yelling at me and telling me how stupid I was. Typical yes. I didn't raise my voice, though it was all I could do. I just don't understand them. I try so hard. Anything I do is wrong. Everything I say has "attitude" and I'm a bad daughter. If I get on the Dean's list it's not enough. If I run the fastest, it's not fast enough. If I win medals or accomplish things, it's not good enough, it will never make them happy.

I guess it's good. If you look at it in another light, at least I can just do things to please God rather than man. I've never been able to please my parents no matter what I did. I've learned to try to please God my whole life. Maybe this is one of those "blessings in disguise" and I don't know it. I feel like I'm a old soul in a 24 year old person's body. I feel like I've experienced much and I am full of knowledge for some reason. Not that I'm smarter than others or anything like that, but I feel like I can look at things from more than one perspective. I know that I'm different than many of the people I meet, but I can still connect with everyone on some level. I guess that's a gift God has given me.

I was discussing this today. We're all the same. Humans are all the same, we have the same essential needs. Those who differentiate "lost" and "saved" bug me a little. All humans need to eat, sleep, breath, reproduce, poop, etc. Every human needs the same things and has selfish tendencies, myself included, the only thing that makes me different from a "lost" person is Jesus Christ. Everyone deserves to go to hell and deserves eternal condemnation, Jesus just provided a way for me to be saved. People have so much in common. I feel like I am one of the only people around here that thinks that. People keep talking about how they feel like there is nothing to talk about with "un-saved" people... it's because they put them into another category, like they almost think they aren't human! It's really sad to me, quite unfortunate.

I feel that way about people who idolize stars too. Everyone is sad about a famous person's death and there is a huge monument... when at least 10 people have died in the time it's taken me to write this blog. Those people matter too! They matter just as much as some person who is in the lime light of our ridiculous star struck-lonely culture. I guess I'm just different or weird. I don't think about the rich and famous more than the people around me, they're just people! Why is our culture so obessed with stars? People are so lonely they think that famous people are their friends and they know more about famous people from magazines and interviews on television than they do about their neighbors. I don't want to be rich and famous, in fact, I plan on being the opposite. I want to go to do missions and help people. I will probably be poor and not make any money. I don't care about money, it's fleeting. If I die, I can't take it with me, but I will have friends in heaven.

Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to say I'm better than anyone. I'm the most sinful person I know because I only fully know myself and my thoughts. I'm just a sinner in need of a savior. Luckily I've found Him. I'm grateful for what God has done in my life and is doing. I am thankful that He has made me strong to with stand much tension and pain. I just hope that I will allow God to use me and shine through me. I pray that He will and I will be completely His to teach and use.


Anita said...

oh sigh. the memories. I would cry every time they called, too. Angela & Elaine probably remember because it used to be worse. Now they're here in Japan, & I'm praying things will go well. I think things will get better. After all, I believe in miracles.

"...with God all things are possible." ~ Matthew 19:26

Anita said...

Jill is fearfully & wonderfully weird (read Psalm 139)!

I'm always praying for you! We love you (God & I)!