Sunday, October 21, 2007

Dear God,

Please help me to find some friends that are my age or friends that I can talk to on the same intellectual level as myself. I'm sorry I'm tired/frustrated with the role of a "counselor." I feel like I need good conversation with people who are where I am in my stage of life in order to grow more. If You want me to be a counselor I can, I mean I guess I'm good at it, but if it's all right with You, I would appreciate it verymuch if You would place some people in my life I can grow close to.

One day I'd like to get married too, but that's a whole other subject. I figured I'd just let you know.

Have a fabulous day! Thanks for making mine!


Thursday, October 18, 2007

as usual

Days go by and I find I put off writing about my time here in Virginia. I thought it'd be a good idea to update today because I had a great day yesterday and today. Yesterday I was queasy about going to watch surgeries in the OR. I prayed the whole way to the hospital that God would help me. I still don't like seeing it, but I was able to take it. I want to know what my patients have to go through and how big the wounds are that need protein and what not. The knee scope and carpul tunnel syndrome I saw were very small compared to the open stomach/chest surgeries - I saw the doctors open a guy up to remove his bladder due to cancer, but it turned out the cancer had already entered the lymph nodes and started to spread to his stomach and other organs. I prayed for him in my head upon hearing that. I saw a guy get a wound vac applied to his stomach from a previous hystectomy. I prayed for all the people who were under going surgery and the surgeons and nurses in the rooms.

The doctors who are in charge or the "head" doctor of the surgery receive the honor of choosing the music that is played during the operation. During the wound vac application, I thought the nurse was joking when she said the doctor listened to "gansta rap" and put in a CD. Moments later I was laughing because "Pop, Lock, & Drop It" filled the room and the doctor was bobbing along to the music and the nurse was pretending to dance and laughed and said she couldn't dance (she wasn't able to hit the beats). The scene was almost comical, and then "9mm" came on and the doctor knew all the words. It was hilarious.

Today I took a little break and went up to attempt calling the police department to figure out my car issues. I was transferred 5 times in one phone call and found out at the end of 30 minutes that I was contacting the wrong department. Finally, I was able to reach the right people, told my claim adjuster and was able to find out that I need to get 2 estimates, fax them to the company and I can get a rental car they will pay for. They are 100% liable and are covering everything. I was really glad all of that is almost resolved. I'm going to try to wake up early tomorrow and hit one place in the morning to get an estimate done. If I can get two done, I will, but at least one tomorrow morning before 10AM. I am carpooling with Geraldine to VASPEN. Elizabeth said they weren't fun, but oh well. I have to go for school. I'm hoping for some decent free stuff.

Well, as usual, God always provides and blesses my life. I wonder sometimes why, but it's probably because He loves me, just like He loves everyone else on this planet. He makes time for each one of us and gives us each attention. It's amazing. I was in awe of the sunrise in the review mirror of the car. It was so beautiful, breath taking.

Now, it's time to read some more of the book I got at the Women's Retreat: "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" and check on how the Indians are faring against the Red Sox, they were up 3-1 going into tonight. Maybe my predictions were backwards. Maybe it'll be Red Sox vs Indians 4-3 and Rockies vs D'backs 4-0. We shall see. I still think the Rockies can take it all.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

honor thy mother and father

Everytime I get off the phone with mom or dad I want to cry. This time I was just sad, usually I try to reason or argue with them. I wrote my dad a response to his e-mail and let him know about the accident with the police officer. He called and started yelling at me and telling me how stupid I was. Typical yes. I didn't raise my voice, though it was all I could do. I just don't understand them. I try so hard. Anything I do is wrong. Everything I say has "attitude" and I'm a bad daughter. If I get on the Dean's list it's not enough. If I run the fastest, it's not fast enough. If I win medals or accomplish things, it's not good enough, it will never make them happy.

I guess it's good. If you look at it in another light, at least I can just do things to please God rather than man. I've never been able to please my parents no matter what I did. I've learned to try to please God my whole life. Maybe this is one of those "blessings in disguise" and I don't know it. I feel like I'm a old soul in a 24 year old person's body. I feel like I've experienced much and I am full of knowledge for some reason. Not that I'm smarter than others or anything like that, but I feel like I can look at things from more than one perspective. I know that I'm different than many of the people I meet, but I can still connect with everyone on some level. I guess that's a gift God has given me.

I was discussing this today. We're all the same. Humans are all the same, we have the same essential needs. Those who differentiate "lost" and "saved" bug me a little. All humans need to eat, sleep, breath, reproduce, poop, etc. Every human needs the same things and has selfish tendencies, myself included, the only thing that makes me different from a "lost" person is Jesus Christ. Everyone deserves to go to hell and deserves eternal condemnation, Jesus just provided a way for me to be saved. People have so much in common. I feel like I am one of the only people around here that thinks that. People keep talking about how they feel like there is nothing to talk about with "un-saved" people... it's because they put them into another category, like they almost think they aren't human! It's really sad to me, quite unfortunate.

I feel that way about people who idolize stars too. Everyone is sad about a famous person's death and there is a huge monument... when at least 10 people have died in the time it's taken me to write this blog. Those people matter too! They matter just as much as some person who is in the lime light of our ridiculous star struck-lonely culture. I guess I'm just different or weird. I don't think about the rich and famous more than the people around me, they're just people! Why is our culture so obessed with stars? People are so lonely they think that famous people are their friends and they know more about famous people from magazines and interviews on television than they do about their neighbors. I don't want to be rich and famous, in fact, I plan on being the opposite. I want to go to do missions and help people. I will probably be poor and not make any money. I don't care about money, it's fleeting. If I die, I can't take it with me, but I will have friends in heaven.

Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to say I'm better than anyone. I'm the most sinful person I know because I only fully know myself and my thoughts. I'm just a sinner in need of a savior. Luckily I've found Him. I'm grateful for what God has done in my life and is doing. I am thankful that He has made me strong to with stand much tension and pain. I just hope that I will allow God to use me and shine through me. I pray that He will and I will be completely His to teach and use.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

less is more

I feel so accomplished after I exercise. Even though I just walked a loop around the parking lot to a trail behind the hospital twice and up and down 4 flights of stairs 5x, I feel so much better. The loop is about 2000 steps and there is probably an average of 12 steps per set and there are 4 flights x 2 sets each which is 8 sets total x 5 = 40 sets x 12 steps = 480 steps I walked up and 480 steps I walked down. That's not too bad. I found out that my pedometer doesn't count steps correctly when you do high-knees up stairs but oh well. I'm still trying to get an average of 10k or more steps a day. I exercised/walked for about 40 minutes. That's not so bad. I can feel my leg muscles twitching and I should probably stretch soon.

I have decided to cut down on my portions. I like eating all I can eat at the hospital, but the food is so fatty and I really don't need to eat as much as I do. My eyes are bigger than my stomach as they say. I feel bad if I waste food too, so I need to take smaller portions and not pile it up on my plate. At least I'm only taking one plate now though. I need to eat more salads at lunch too. Less cobbler, more vegetables! I think I can lose 5# by Christmas, that'd mean I would be 140#, and my BMI would still be 24. At least i wouldn't be 145 and wondering how the heck I gained so much weight. Eventually I should try to get down to 135 and even 130, if I run more and eat less I should be able to do that. When I say eat less, and you think "what the heck?" Don't worry, I am not going to eat nothing, I currently eat more than anyone I know here in Virginia. I think I eat more than all the guys I know over here. I need to cut back! California, being able to bike to school and work and every where, run whenever I needed, between classes and what not has spoiled me. I need to get used to not having big breaks and having to wear nicer clothes to the hospital and not wearing running shoes or flip flops all the time. This sucks!

I bounce on the trampoline for 20+ - 30+ minutes instead of running sometimes. I get just as sweaty and my heart is pounding and I get really thirsty... so I think it's a pretty good workout. When the kids are bouncing with me, it's even harder because they steal my bounce and they stop and go and I just keep on jumping/running on the trampoline.

Well, I'm still at the hospital and will be here until 9-ish pm. Great. I think I will read some of the book I got for free, "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye." Sometimes I think I did, or am currently, but God has plans I don't know about waiting for me. I am excited to see what He's got in store. Farewell for now friends.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


ps. I just have to say, all of my predictions for the Division Series have come true. I'm going to be watching the League Championships with anticipation.

in the end

I feel like God's put me in a situation where all I can do it trust. It's like the song: I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go. For all this, there's only one thing you should know. I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter. However, it's different than the song suggests of course. I put my trust in the Lord, I push as far as I can go to the limits of myself and push a little farther, trying to have faith that God will see me through. I try hard, I get far, but in the end - only God matters and nothing else matters. All the worldly things we're trying to do and accomplish don't really matter. The only thing that matters is God and eternity.

I'm trusting God with a bunch of stuff right now:
-I will have the capacity to stay strong and finish this internship on time.
-My car will be fixed and paid for some how.
-This living situation will continue to be a blessing for both myself and the family.
-I can make it to and from Farmville Monday through Thursday for the next 7 months.
-I can survive with few friends and many acquaintances here in Virginia, or that He will provide people to be my friends around me.
-I will be safe and my heart will be protected.
-One day I may have a husband and children, but for now I am doing what I think God has planned for me and trying my best.
-I won't hurt anyone in the hospital.
-Even though I hate hospitals, I can survive this Clinical Rotation and more rotations in hospitals in Farmville and Petersburg.
-I will be able to finish the Richmond Marathon with joy.
-I will be able to get a job.
-I'll be able to get home safely after this is over.
-I will continue to allow God to use me and put me in places I don't really know or feel as comfortable as I could in.

God has done some amazing things. A family I just met a few weeks ago is letting me use one of their cars until I can get my head lights fixed because I have to drive very early in the morning and late at night on Thursday (I won't get done until 9PM tomorrow). I have been safe and all right sleeping in my car. I did get hit by a cop, but I'm praying that their insurance will cover everything, because I was just going straight in my lane. I pray that everything will turn out all right, because I can't afford to pay for it.

I am praying that my insurance will all be all right, I'm worried about all this other stuff that has been going on with the DMV processing and all that. It's so frustrating and I have so little time when I'm here in Virginia. I can't have my car registration be cancelled! I can't have my insurance stop! God please help me! God please help me to find a van pool or car pool if that is Your will. I don't mind paying a little extra if I can meet new people and get a ride to the hospital instead of driving every day. Please help me to find strength and comfort in You and please help me to become what You created me to be.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

2007 MLB predictions

So far my initial thoughts about the playoffs have come true, or my hopes really. I wanted the Rockies over the Phillies and the D'backs over the Cubs. Now I am hoping that the Indians beat the Yanks and the Red Sox over the Angels. As long as the Angels and the Yanks get knocked out some where, I'll be all right. I think the Indians will take the Yanks 3-1 and the Red Sox will win over the Angels 3-0.

In the NL Championships the Rockies will take the D'backs 4-3 and for the AL Championships, the Red Sox will dominate the Indians 4-0. In the World Series the Rockies and Red Sox will go to game 7 and the Rockies will win in a thriller 4-3.

World Series Champs for the first time: Colorado Rockies. That'd be sweet. I'm still disappointed the A's and Mets didn't make it to the playoffs this year. That's lame. Ah, I guess next year. Hopefully if the A's keep Chavez he'll start hitting and stop getting hurt. The Mets will still have David Wright, Beltran, and Reyes (I think).