LNR #1

I've decided to try to write my "late night revelations" (LNR). I really need to get a new journal soon! This is labeled #1 because it is the first one of 2008!

We're our own worst critic. I've heard myself quote that before and again today, but it's so true. We are the only one who know every evil or sinful thought that crosses our minds even if we don't act out on it. I often feel so un-spiritual when around others who to me perspire holiness from their pores. I know that is ridiculous and was again reminded of this with Gene Emerson's message this morning at church. I need that reminder again and again! Why? Sinful me attempts to not compare myself with others, but subconciously does when really the only one that matters is Christ who loves me already and sacrificed the ultimate sacrifice for pitiful, sinful me who gets so confused and lost sometimes when all I really want is to follow Him with recklessness and a childlike faith that cannot be hindered... however, I often feel that the biggest hinderance to my faith... ironically is myself.

Maybe I am judging to quickly. Let me retract that brash statement. Perhaps it is because I often fall prey to Satan's lies, but isn't it my calling to unearth the truth? So, again, perhaps it is me. This brings me to the conclusion yet again that I can do nothing alone. It's funny how that works. I am so weak, yet in Christ I am made strong and it is only through Him that I am redeemed and can do all things - including rejecting Satan's lies and battling them with the armor and weaponry God has entrusted to me; . Friends tell me that the Bible is irrelevant to our society today because it is outdated and was written so long ago, but I have come to the same conclusion that Paul had 2000 years ago - albeit he is much more eloquent.

The problem I experience is ... how exactly do I surrender all I am to God? How do I know I have surrendered everything to Him? I feel like I have with most of my life. I would follow Him to the ends of the earth and back if He asked me to. So far my big decisions He has made for me were minute on the world scale, but huge on the Jill-o-meter. I changed my major disobeying my parents' wishes which was extremely hard for me in more ways than one. I know that ultimately my Heavenly Father over rules our earthly parents, but wow, what influence they have on my life and decisions because they have reared me since birth. Not only was I dishonoring my parents by not obeying them, but I was plunging myself into a world of frenzy in which I would work 40-60 hours most weeks during school and have a miniscule social life during college which is one of the greatest meeting places I will have passed through in my entire life. I moved across the country to pursue 'post-graduate-ish' education of this major my parent's didn't approve of in the first place to a place my parent's didn't want me to go. Talk about a slap in the face. What an ungrateful child. However, it is much the contrary. I miss my family immensely and I do my best to honor them as long as it is not in conflict with what I believe God is tell me to do. I believe that the main thing I struggle with giving is very near to my heart. That would be the realm of marriage and children. I don't mention it to others often but more and more often it has been mentioned to me. I read "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" and I was dismayed, though it was brought to my attention that I should be encouraged that I was preparing for marriage and motherhood. I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" a few years back, I have not dated, and I try very hard to be open with my intentions in my relationships with my male friends. Since arriving in Virginia, I have discovered that the idea of courting appeals to me, however I am bewildered at how it all formulates and ends up in marriage. Maybe this is how I must show my trust in the Lord... by "waiting for my prince to come." I do not mean this in the literal sense, but I do not intend to be activity searching for a match, nor do I wish to pursue a gentleman as I want to be pursued.

On a completely different note; tonight Kelly asked me if I was comfortable with church. I thought about it and truthfully answered that the "catch phrases" were a hinderance to me. Depending on where you hail, you will have a variety of common sayings. The church I grew up in did not use "spiritual" language [it's not that we are un-spiritual, but we did not use the same terms used constantly here; I just don't know what else to call it]. To say "how can I serve you?" to someone can be taken in more ways than one. If I was offering someone something material I would say, "May I serve you pasta?" for example. However, I would say "May I help you?/How can I help you?" to offer my assistance. To say serve to someone - it could be taken offensively. Obviously people here are not trying to be offensive and I don't take it as such. However, should someone say that where I am from, someone might take it as "Can I be a slave to you?" We are slaves to sin until Jesus sets us free, we are servants of Christ, but not everyone thinks of that when they think of slavery. Frequently (at least in the areas I grew up) when servant/slave/serve is mentioned they think of African Americans in slavery. The thought or mention of this can be offensive to some and regarded with disdain. I do not wish that people would change their language, but I pray that God will remove this road block for me and allow those who do use these types of phrases to become aware of what they may be saying and open a door or bridge for them to share about You and why they want to be seen as servants [this also deters me as we are supposed to pray behind closed doors and not seek praise; I pray in earnst that God removes my close mindedness in this regard as I know that most if not everyone genuinely seeks to serve because of their love for Him. [-This is interesting to me as well as I thought myself as quite open-minded, which further.]

I could be outdated as I have not officially lived at home with my parents for years. However, I am ever aware of what goes on around me. This brings me to another thought. I would say that I am 'street smart' and I have a reasonably good ability to judge a person's character. I have found that people who have grown up in smaller communities are less aware of their surroundings or "don't watch their back" as we'd say back home. I suppose that is a benefit of being exposed to life that is not always amiable. However, I find myself wishing that I could be more carefree and less aware, but I am rendered helpless in this matter. It is programmed in me to be vigilant. This could prove to be adventageous as we are told to be ever watchful for the day that Jesus returns.

In conclusion of all my LNRs, which proved to be many linked together, I would say with great resound that I am most definately a work in progress. I am still being broken down and reformed and shaped, refined as silver by my Creator. I am a sinner, I need encouragement and need to be set straight each morning. My human tendency for pride is a stumbling block that I must hurdle and break free from [as mentioned previously]. My only intentions for making my LNRs public is that God may be glorified. I do not claim to be more spiritual than any other or more knowledgable. I still recall being asked to speak for Junior High Central and I remember my bona fide shock and laughter that emitted from my lips when I heard the request. God has great plans even for the most broken and in-articulate of His children such as myself. I am a little anxious to see/find out what they are, but I must practice patience.

I thank God for giving me the audacity to arrive on the east coast and believe I could make it without knowing anyone in the entire state... and simply trusting in Him. I thank God for providing everything for me and answering all of my prayers. He is indescribable and worthy of all the praise I can bestow upon Him and so much more. There is more to say but since it is very late I do regret that I must retire and save my further random revelations for another occasion. Thank You God for Your love and my life.