Monday, March 31, 2008

revealing the heart


I find it sobering... and interesting that a person's family exposes so much sin in our lives. For me, it's only too true. Dave Harvey said in a sermon that we cannot use the sins of another as an excuse to allow ourselves to fall into sin.  It is much more difficult to "take the higher road" or avoid confrontation, feelings of hurt, anger, and frustration when it's my own family. Questions like "shouldn't they know better by now?" "why don't they understand?/why can't they understand?" "haven't we been over this before?" run through my mind during conversations.

Areas of sin that are revealed:
1) discontentment - Wishing that I had Christian parents who would speak reason and truth into my life, that I didn't have to grow up so fast, that I didn't have to "be the mother" to my mom, or that I didn't have to oppose my father (not in the sense of arguing just for the sake of arguing, but telling him what God is doing in my life and going on missions trips and following God's call rather than my earthly father's instructions and plans) isn't going to change them or make me feel any better. God has given me my parents and family situation for a reason. I should be giving Him glory for giving me opportunities to build up my patience, practice for when I actually have my own family, and providing me with a like-minded sister instead of becoming angry with my parents. (I knew I shouldn't have prayed for patience when I was a kid! ha, ha.)
2) pride/self righteousness - I think my ideas are right and get frustrated when my parents don't understand. They can't understand. It's wrong of me to expect them to. The "woe is me" act I play out in my mind isn't glorifying to God at all! It is just sinful pride and self pity. I don't deserve any thing (including parents who seek discernment and God's will), but God has given me so much. I am the worst of all sinners and God is being gracious enough to give me opportunities to live for Him and speak truth into the lives of my parents.
3) impatience - Thinking that they should 'know me by now' or wondering why they aren't changing (generally its my heart that changes rather than theirs, they seem to stay pretty consistent at least) isn't helping me or anyone else. I am just stumbling and tripping over my own feet into sin on my own. I need to remember how much patience God has for my sinful heart and apply that in all situations regardless of whether it's my parents or not. (It seems like it's easier with others**see below)
4) dishonoring - I feel like I try so hard to honor my parents and take their feelings and thoughts into account when I make decisions and pray for discernment, but becoming frustrated or angry with them when they don't care what God's call is for my life is dishonoring them! I would be ridiculous to believe that I am honoring my parents when I am angry with them for making me feel bad about who I am. I need to speak truth to myself and remember who I am in Christ, even more than I normally do in times such as these. I should honor their opinions and graciously explain to them God's calling and plan for my life and that I cannot do otherwise and if they cannot understand that - not become angry with them. I should be sad for them because they do not realize that God's plan is the best plan and that I must follow where ever He leads me.

This is all easier said than done. I'm sure there was much more sin in my heart than I addressed above (those were just the instantly apparent ones) as my face flushed and mind frantically tried to tame my tongue and thoughts (oh, sinful heart of mine). I can only pray that God will work in my heart and transform me to be a more gracious and loving daughter toward my parents regardless of whether or not they care and believe that God's will is the most important of all. I pray for their souls and salvation as well, I think my mom is a Christian, but I often am worried about my dad. As angry and as hurt as I feel when/after talking with my parents, I really do love them and want them to experience what grace and love God has for them.

**I think it's harder with family because we expect so much more from them. They know us better so they should be less sinful toward us right? -Nope. Well, they should know where our weaknesses are and not provoke us right? -Wrong. They are human too! To expect anything other than human responses (especially if you're not sure if they actually believe in God or not) would be absurd.

Wow, I am always aware of my sinful nature and am so thankful that Christ has paid the price for my rampant sin in my life. I know no sinner worse than me. Thank You God for re-revealing & revealing my heart in these matters, please carry on molding my heart, and aid me in continuing to strive to be more like You. Thanks for Your word and Your truth.

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