zzzz...

The good days of sleeping.  Where have they gone?  Why does it seem like there is so little time?  When did all of the responsibilities come?

Answers to these questions elude me.  A quarter of a century into my life I stop and wonder.  There are so many obligations that I must fulfill.  So many people I want to spend time with and invest in their lives.  Yet here I am, wondering where the past year has come and gone so quickly.  I need to become better at prioritizing.  I am terrible at that when it comes to people, I want to help everyone, hang out, get to know everyone better, and save the world from corruption, obesity, and inactivity.

I barely slept this weekend.  From juggling working, taking classes to become a certified group exercise instructor and my online graduate school class, I guess there just wasn't time.  I made it to church alive which was only by the grace of God.  I almost hit the wall on 95 while driving to church from work after being awake for more than 27 hours straight.  That's the longest I've ever been awake in my entire life and hopefully the last.

It's almost 9:00PM and I'm ready to go to sleep.  I'm glad I at least have a day off tomorrow.  I have a lot to do tomorrow.  I'm praying for a few things and specific people.  Lord, let Your will be done.

- run for life

only time will tell

Like many girls growing up I dreamed of getting married, having kids, a house with a beautiful garden-bay windows-and a porch. I wanted a dog that would protect my family. It was picturesque. The house would be spotless, like the rooms out of a Home & Gardens magazine. Sunlight would flood the rooms in the afternoon and cast a lovely glow into the dark corners of the rooms glinting off the shining wooden dresser drawers. The china cabinet would be filled with various dishes and glasses from all around the world. The walls would display photographs from the traveling my husband and I had done prior to having children. The kids would wear little ties and cute dresses that matched to church. They would be respectful and mind their manners when out in public. My husband would have a 40 hour work week so that he could be home in the evenings to spend time with the family. Weekends would be filled with family time, hiking, playing, going to the park, singing, laughter and pure joy of being together. Sometimes we would go on family vacation playing games in the car if it were a road trip or dozing off in the plane.

Reality hits like a slap in the face. It's 2008, not 1998, or 1988. I'm twenty five-a quarter of a century, single, on the other side of the country from everything familiar to me, and still wondering if the dream was just that-a dream. My eyes well up with tears as I pray and repeat various verses to myself. He is the Rock... He will never leave us or forsake us... All things work for the glory of God for those who love Him... and on I fight back the temptations and lies. Satan whispers in my ear that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, don't make enough money, am not smart enough, fast enough, don't have enough hobbies, am too tomboyish. The list could go on forever. With a shaking hand I pull out my sword and cry out to my God to help me.

He reminds me of how He saved me. He gently turns me away from the distractions. He tells me that His timing is best. He whispers that He has marvelous plans for me. I look up into His loving eyes as tears stream down my face. I tell Him my hopes, my dreams, and put my trust in Him. I ask Him if I'll one day have a family of my own and He smiles at me, "child you are more precious than silver," He says. "I cannot tell you what your future holds right now, you will have to trust me and wait and see. I have never broken a promise, I will always be faithful."

I look down the path, trying to control my feelings and emotions. I see the faces of the guys who have distracted my thoughts. I turn away and refocus on my Savior, telling myself if it's in God's plans-it will happen (I've not lost hope, but have once again had to refocus on what is of utmost importance). I put my head down and grit my teeth. I have a long journey ahead of me. I take the hand extended out to me and turn to see a familiar face. Jesus is walking beside me. He smiles and tilts His head back with laughter as we head down the path together.

- run for life

independence

I am glad I live in America and am an American. Even though I get people asking me "where are you from," expecting me to say some Asian country, I am a proud born & raised Californian. We are so lucky to have a voice in who leads our country. Although the tide has turned from red to blue, we have been on a roll with presidents maintaining office for 8 years for the past two.

I feel like no one will ever be satisfied. There are pros and cons to both sides. I am registered under a party simply because I want to vote in the primaries. I claim to be non-partisan because I do not agree with either side.

I have friends and family who were pushing hard for either side-democratic and republican. While I do not need to go into detail, I understand the plight of both sides and the reasoning behind both choices. I believe that people should be informed voters albeit-it is difficult to do so with the media skewing things to sell a scandal.

Relief flooded over me last night as my head hit my pillow before the votes were even counted. I am tired of people publicly bashing each other. Will there ever be an election based on the character of the person and their policies without speaking poorly of the other candidate? Some are complaining about "dead people" voting for Obama, do I need to say that stuff like that has happened every election for both parties? I mean, I hope it evens out if both parties do it, but it's not really necessary to point it out when it happens on both sides every election-it's like pointing out the speck in someone's eye when you have a mammoth log in your own.

I'm already hearing the complaints about the new president and it's only been 1 day. He's not even president yet, he's just the president elect. I'll continue praying people do not resort to violence and that this nation will one day know God. Four years ago I listened to the angry cries of "he's not my president!" when Bush was re-elected. I told them then and I'll say it again: if you are an American citizen, he's your president. I voiced my opinion by voting and now we have a man waiting in the wings to begin his term as president of the United States. I will support the man whom the nation has appointed to lead us, this does not mean I will support all his actions and policies, but I will not slander a man I have never met just like I do not want to gossip or slander against someone I have.

Regardless of who is my president or not, I keep my focus on God-Our creator, Sovereign over all & always ultimately in charge. He is the one who planned this moment and this day before time began, He knows when the world will end, He knows the exact moment of every detail of each of our lives. The president is merely a man, a sinner with flaws, who must obey God's laws just like the rest of us for he will stand one day in judgement. God will determine if he truly believed or not, not me or anyone else. I pray that God will give direction and guidance to Obama while he is in office.

I lift up our president and our country to you God. I pray for those who are excited and those who are discouraged about the results. I pray for those that will be affected by this-the United States and the entire world. I pray for the soldiers at war. I pray for the countries and their citizens who are under attack or have terrorists in them.  I pray for the people who are in need in our country and others.  I pray that God will always be our Guide and our Light no matter what.

- run for life

the eve

Some days I wonder, what happened to decency?  I never was a huge fan of Halloween because I'm afraid of everything related to creepy-ness and being scared.  I did like the candy and it was nice that we got to visit the neighbors to get it (and now I like that kids are getting exercise).  Granted the last time I went trick-o-treating was 2006 (you thought I was going to say something like 8th grade huh?).  I never fully understood the holiday and don't really celebrate it per se, but here I am to gripe about it.

Now Halloween has morphed into yet another excuse for females to traipse around scantily clad in the cold while men gawk and bring their video cameras (literally my friend was telling me that there was a 40-ish year old guy with his video camera out on Halloween, I can only assume he was making a free 'girls gone wild' dvd for himself).

As I say this, I think of the varying standards for different parts of the world as well as different parts of the country.  I understand different attire is accepted in various places, but wearing underwear in public negates the term "under" wear, maybe it should just be called "wear" now.  We've lost the under part I guess.

On another note, yet somewhat related-today's society is looking for a 'quick fix' or short term enjoyment; in other words: lust rather than love.  People think that love is a feeling, when it is more than that.  It is a commitment, something that must be worked for, not just found.  When love fades (and I'm told it will and it does), it must be rekindled-more than just once or twice during a person's married life.  What happened to "until death do us part"?  At least that used to hold true in the old days.  Don't say it unless you mean it!  I wish that we didn't have to sign papers and have 5 million witnesses.  What happened to the good old days (I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I've read books) when a man's word was his contract?  When you could 'shake on it' and it would stand up in court?

I know I'm just annoyed because I do wear clothes and I get annoyed because the girls not wearing any get more attention.  I have to keep telling myself that I don't want that kind of attention.  I keep telling myself that God has something/someone planned for me, someone worth waiting for.  Someone that will appreciate that I don't "flaunt it because I got it" or "shake what yo mamma gave ya" for the world to see.  God's plan is the perfect plan.  Anything worth anything is worth trusting in Him and waiting for.

-run for life

stress

It's already November! Wow. Thanksgiving is coming soon. Two more states down. I was in North Carolina this morning running the Sony Ericsson City of the Oaks marathon in Raleigh. Last weekend was the Spinx Greenville, SC marathon. At least I am done with the Carolinas now. I was so disappointed when I was told I probably had a stress fracture... but I kept running. Then it was later confirmed by the trainers at the end of the race. So disappointing!

I wish I could bring my bike here for less than $100. How unfortunate. I am probably going to start swimming every day after work/aqua jog to keep my cardio up and stay in shape until I can run again in January. Six weeks is such a long time! It will pass sooner than I think.

SC was fun while visiting Kristen and Sam. Sam took some great pictures of us running. I was so impressed with his awesome (really expensive) camera. Kristen got a PR in the half which was great, I was excited for her... but it was really painful to run the second half alone.

NC was good too. I enjoyed the marathon in NC more than last weekend. The first half last weekend was good, but the second half was terrible. Today there were more people and it was just all around organized better and more of the volunteers were cheering us on. It was a lot more fun. I ran almost the same time this week as last weekend even though I wasn't even breathing that hard at the end. I tried to take it easy because my ankle was killing me. :(

-run for life

re-growth

I'm attempting to grow pineapples in my room. They take 18-20 months to grow. One of them has roots... well a stub of a root that is beginning to protrude from the base of the 'stalk' (is that what the spikey green part is called on the top of a pineapple?). Life is all about growth and re-growth. Pineapples must be grown from individual plants, then replanted. They aren't like other plants that you can keep harvesting from. How did I never know this? It really is true that we learn something new every day.

God continues to teach me lessons each day. I am forever in His debt. I answered all my messages and emails today and I'm hitting my 4th post this month. I realize October is almost over, but hey, I'm trying to be technological enough to keep in touch with the outside world.

I messed up while taking my first online graduate school test. I was quite disappointed and felt like a complete nincompoop. I accidentally submitted it before I was finished with the test. Luckily I still got an 88.63% so I can still get an A in the class. I would have been horrified if I had gotten anything lower than a B. I still have the final which is worth more and a big project than I can do well on. God is still working on my pride in the area of intelligence and GPA.

My TF lesson went fine. It wasn't actually nursing students. It turned out it was actual RNs and LPNs who worked in the ER, acute care, and ICU. Fancy that. I was nervous and thought I sounded terrible. For some reason I was having difficulty pronouncing things, medications are weird though. At least people learned something. It's over until next year at least.

Tomorrow I leave for South Carolina for state 5. I'm excited to go somewhere new. I pray that I don't get more sick while running and that God will help me through it. I can only pray that I will finish strong since I know I cannot get a PR while my lungs feel this way and my body feels physically ill. Oh well, that just means a bigger PR in 2009.

Keep looking up and focusing on Him. Look out SC! Here I come.

-run for life

racing

He is the Rock, His works are perfect and His ways are just. An upright God who does no wrong, faithful and just is He. -Deut 32:4

I am so amazed constantly throughout my days and weeks. I will never measure up, yet He still chooses me and nudges me to try again. I dust myself off and stand at the line once more, setting for the gun. The loud "bang!" fills my ear drums as my body springs into action.

The race of life is swift, sometimes I feel so left behind. I feel my anxiety and stress leaving me as I enjoy fellowship with others who are like minded. I still have hopes and dreams that I will keep to myself for now, perhaps time will reveal or smash those glimmers, but God's in charge, so whatever He wants to happen will happen.

I didn't feel super productive today but at least I got some cleaning done and read through some of the material I'll be teaching tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping to get to work early so I can finish all my patients and prepare my lesson! Wow. I've never been this last minute when giving a presentation or teaching. I guess it's a good thing I already know the subject, I just need to review it. We have a lot going on tomorrow including a teleconference. I hope that my lesson doesn't need to be an entire hour-maybe 45 minutes max. I can squeeze and easy half hour out of nothing so I can hit 45 no problem. God please help me with all of this, the things I must do for work and everything in life.

Greenville, South Carolina here I come this weekend. I am praying about that too. My lungs hurt and feel like they are strangely smaller than normal or clogged... I guess that could have something to do with being sick this past week and being unable to breathe. Sometimes I pray for God to just take me now and put me out of my misery of this life and take me to heaven. One day I'll see His face. I can only imagine. I pray that I will finish this race for His glory and be able to make it through the next race in Raleigh, North Carolina the week after. God, please help me.

-run for life